Thursday, 11 April 2013
For those of you who don't know what stan means, it's a gay lingo for supporting a female celebrity no matter what they do. Some stan for Lady Gaga, some for Cher, others for Ke$ha, etc. This post will be about why I think Taylor Swift is amazing in her own way.
I think when people hear Taylor Swift, they think it's synonymous with relationship songs, bad breakups and cheesy lyrics for tweens. And in all honesty, there are songs that Taylor has written which are very prepubescent and reminds you of a 12 year old's diary (Teardrops on my Guitar anyone?). However, if you really dove into her albums and listened to the other songs that unfortunately weren't turned into singles, you'll notice a great depth in emotions, use of words, as well as a unique taste to every song.
Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much,
And maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up.
Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well.
Hey, you call me up again just to break me like a promise.
So casually cruel in the name of being honest.
I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
'Cause I remember it all, all, all... too well.
I don't know about you, but the use of language and flow is beautiful in her song All too well...and guess what? It's not a single off her album Red. Why? Because it doesn't have a catchy chorus everyone is used to like I knew you were Trouble, and no it doesn't have repetitive lyrics for you to sing along to the radio. So yes, it does seem the music you hear from TS is all very similar, but it's because the public in general doesn't have that kind of an interest and for a recording artist, it's not profitable to sell those singles when you have others that grab attention better.
But you think, her songs are all about the countless relationships she's had with countless men. And you know what? Go her. Because when a man goes out with a bunch of women, he's considered charming and a playboy (with little or no negative connotations). When a woman does it, she's considered a slut. Well, thanks slut-shaming culture. And quite frankly, she's 22 and should be enjoying herself considering it's her life and her relationships. Sure, she sings about them, but who hasn't? Adele made two albums (19 and 21) about her relationship. It's an inspiration for artists to write songs about their lives, and seriously I'd rather a song was written with meaning deeper than a catchy beat with filler lyrics.
I should also mention Taylor Swift seems like a very sweet person and very down-to-earth with her fans and her gasp (which Kristen Wiig did a great job parodying) aside, she seems to really be thankful for all she's acquired and really wants to make music for the sake of music.
Saturday, 24 November 2012
In recent times, I've begun a relationship with this boy. We're boyfriends now, and I don't know if I can continue without addressing this issue somehow, at least, to have another soul read the words I write and feel the anxiety of my worries.
I've never been in a relationship. At least not one that progressed past the initial "I like you" of grade school crushes. Honestly, I don't even think there is a reliable source of experience in my life to prepare me for this. Somedays I worry I cannot be everything he wants because I can't even be everything I want myself to be. I lack in so many things, and in it, the reality of my deficiency truly shines. I am the moon that's never shone brighter than the sun of my mistakes. I can never seem to do one right thing despite my hardest attempts to stray from the wrong.
My life has been, up to this point, moot. I never wander the waters, and haven't sought to fuel my burning passions. I am but a stranded singular in a black hole, consumed by mediocrity as I try to claw myself towards the light. I have never done anything extraordinary except starting meaningless conversations with guys in an attempt to prove myself worthy of a lift up. It turns out I was able to, and caught a rope that began pulling immediately.
I wish I could say things started out the way I wanted, but that would be a lie. I wasn't myself completely. I put on the sexualized persona I've often had to adopt to be provocative. I wish I could say I have stopped even after we've begun dating, but the black hole is relentless. He has experience, in every sense of that word, I am lacking. I don't know why I do what I do, but I feel like I'm doing more to compensate for this. Instead of letting him slow down for me, I am running at my fastest to catch up. I just want to be running along side him. I don't want to be chasing pavements anymore, because I know I've tripped and hurt myself too many times.
It's funny I went into shock one morning, to be exact, the morning after we went on our first date. I lied and told him I didn't know why I was crying, or why my chest ached with unbated breath. I knew. I knew full well why every inhale was hitched and caught in my throat. I was no longer somebody's shadow; there but ignored. I was somebody. He took notice and he saw me. That's when I felt most vulnerable. I was captured and my defences down: I was going to feel the ache and the pain. If I didn't fight back, I would be wounded again. Scars were just healing and I was not suitable for combat. Instead, he took his helmet off, dropped his sword and helped me up. I had fallen and he was picking me up. We had became equals in this power relationship.
But how long will it last? Will this truce stand? What if...and truly, this is the worst part, what if he decides nursing me was tiresome? What then? And this dread lingers on more than any other, and in reality, the root of my breakdown. What if he decided to leave like all the others?
Tuesday, 31 July 2012
Dear Beloved Parents,
I know it may have caught you off guard when the deepest secret of my existence to date was courageously plunged into the bubble of our perfect family. Granted, it took me more than half a decade to come to terms with it myself, but still, it seems as though I’ve said and done nothing in retrospect. So, where are we now? I've bounded down the road that leads me to my happiness, a life that's free and accepting with my brother and friends walking with me. But it seems you are still stuck at the fork: deciding whether you want to indulge and follow me on the road less taken, or bulldoze your own way to drag me back towards the passage that would continue our name.
In reality, it seems as though they have become mutually exclusive. My life, your expectations, and the way reality will inevitably turn out. If I let the trickling sensations of my desires and needs run its course, it will become an estuary to an unwavering homosexual lifestyle. I will be unapologetic of the fact that a man's presence will be the only companion I look for. Then again, I might never be able to show up at your door twenty years from now with the husband I will be legally married to. Misery loves its company though, so would you go as far as condemning my sexual orientation to keep your vision of me unscathed? Because I’ve been scarred and I’ve been defaced by your words. Please, ignorance is not blissful - at least not for me. I can only go so far before looking back to see whether we’re on the same path before continuing. I would no more want to leave than to defy your wishes - but one that affects my own happiness is a sacrifice I must make.
Until you can accept the fact that I am gay and will be with men for the rest of my life, I will always be the son you envisioned, and not the son you have.
Your gay son,
Monday, 21 May 2012
After coming out gay to my parents, it was clear immediately that it would take a while, if ever, for my parents to accept this revelation.
Beliefs anywhere from this being something I can conquer and defeat because it's a phase/disease similar to depression, or that I don't have the resolution to change and "be normal", to ideas where our family is "perfect" and that no one around us is/was gay. With these archaic ideals, I really don't think I have the patience or ability to offer a rebuttal deemed acceptable.
For the most part, I am so shy and easily swayed that I never bother with arguments. I just go with the flow with as little conflicts as possible; in reality, I am a pushover. With a wavering personality like mine, how does one even go about discussing these matters when I need to show firmness and a lifestyle that cannot be changed? It just doesn't work.
My parents, who believe this "choice" will be painful for everyone, and that nothing concrete has occurred (no boyfriend yet) and that I could 'replay' this and live a heterosexual life. It's all about the feelings, and that much like depression, I could get medical help even to talk about it and then everything will be better.
How does one deal with this conflict with parents regarding being a homosexual?
P.S. This was being typed as my mom was discussing this issue with me ...you see? I just ignore her because I just CAN'T discuss this.
Wednesday, 16 May 2012
A primary school teacher told her class that they'd play a game. She gave everyone of the kids a piece of paper and proceeded to tell them to draw a picture of themselves on it. When they were finished drawing, the teacher told the kids to crumple it into a ball and to throw them around like a snowball fight.
After, she asked everyone to find their pictures and announced the winner of the game would be whoever's picture was smoothest. As expected, all of the kid's pictures were marred by the actions of the children. Try as hard as they may, they could not return the paper to its original form.
The teacher then said, "This is a representation of bullying on us all. We show people who we are, and will more or less meet those who will reject us. The scars they leave behind are just like these drawings. Try hard as you might, the creases will never smooth out and the words or actions we exact on others, will always leave a scar. You can try and apologize if you've done something wrong, or try and forget it all, but bullying stays."
Monday, 09 April 2012
With the recent changing of Bully, the movie's rating, I figured I should talk a little bit about the topic in general.
Growing up, bullies were a constant reminder of my imperfections, of how the things I did became ruthlessly ridiculed and thought of as "different". Nowadays, I embrace my uniquely different claim to living life as a gay person, and more importantly, I'm glad I've been able to find people who love me for being me. However, this isn't what occurs for everyone. It seems, bullying is an epidemic that's yet to be remedied, much less confronted. Bullying has become the weapon of mass destruction in the warfare of children; replacing guns with mouths and ammunition with words. Firing blindly, or rather, at specifically those who are 'different', the bullets of hate has yet to be resolved.
How does a child know what's right and what's wrong when adults themselves do not realize the problems that come with ignoring bullying issues? It's sad to see the ignorance accompanying many school authorities' pathetic excuse for condoning bullying. It's your occupation and role as a human being to keep children safe in schools. It is your duty and responsibility as an adult to discipline children who are out of line. How do these blatantly negligent adults live their lives without guilt for standing by as a child cries, possibly daily, when they've confided in them? More importantly, how can the school system enforce its disciplinary actions on bullying for all those children who aren't brave enough to see an adult? The millions who remain quiet as they endure suffering till they're finally silenced permanently?
I'm writing this also because children belonging to the LGBT community are four times more likely to attempt suicide than their non-LGBT peers. FOUR TIMES. This is an outrageous ratio to consider, and needs to end immediately. Innocent lives, victims of hate that stems from homophobia is nothing justifiable, and policy makers and individuals who support the ban on same-sex marriage ARE bigots. In every respect, by passing laws that allow for discrimination will only promote bullying and provide a supposedly justified reason to bully on the basis of belief. This is invalid and specifically for LGBT youths, a completely unnecessary amount of pressure as it sees hate from both their peers and adults who are supposedly to be authoritarian figures.
I guess this is all I can say for now. Sorry for the abrupt end, it's 5 AM and I'm sleepy.
What were your experiences like with bullying?
Tuesday, 06 March 2012
If you've yet to hear about this issue, then I strongly urge you to continue reading and visit all the link(s) I will provide below.
To summarize, a Ugandan rebellion group called the LRA (Lord's Resistance Army), led by a man named Joseph Kony, has been abducting children to reinforce and carry out his senseless atrocity. An estimated 60,000 children have been forced to fight for him, with thousands more killed, mutilated, or forced into sex trades. This has been going on for 20 years; unopposed and continually growing.
What's your role in this? Help stop and bring justice to the cruelty that has forced many to go into constant fear and hiding. This is an issue we need to address now: in 2012. We need to shine a spotlight on the barbarity that has occurred and will continue to occur if left intact. Please, join in the fight against the war on humanity.
Here are some useful link(s):
The inspiration YouTube video can be found here.
I'm sure there have been many Facebook groups springing up on your newsfeed in your residing city of an event on April 20, 2012 at 8 pm. In essence, action will be taken, aimed at postering every corner of every city so everyone can come into contact with the name Kony. The goal? Make Kony famous; not to celebrate him, but to bring him into the forefront of attention.
Will you join in a movement that will forever change the course of history and shape human interactions?
I've recently read an article titled 'Visible Children' which critically looks at all aspects of the campaign that has sprung up. Being diplomatic and ignorant to what has or is happening regarding Kony (I've yet to fully research and acquire the necessary information to make bold statements), I will use this post to merely shed some light on this individual, and how we need to put a stop to him. That is the message and contributions I'll make: to get Kony's name out there, and the actions itself can be made by our governments.
Sunday, 04 March 2012
So, I figured I would share with you a multi-faceted aspect of myself besides the words and thoughts I have on Xanga. That being said, these are some of the other Internet platforms I use and would love if you'd check it out as well. Again, it's up to your own discretion, but you can better see the different sides of me! :D
Did this grab your attention? I should also work out >_<
YouTube (I'mtrying to make more videos, but timid bout it) - http://www.youtube.com/user/KevinELLL/videos
DailyBooth (camhoe-ing site) - http://dailybooth.com/KevinLouie
Tumblr - http://ikevinl.tumblr.com/
Do you have any other internet thingies I may follow/check out? :)
Sunday, 26 February 2012
I feel like as a college student, depression seems to have a varying effect on everyone; but most prominent with those who are studying away from home. Not only do you have to start over, and live independently, but there's a certain foreboding that follows wherever you go.
The routine that develops in post-secondary is consistent and bland: go to campus, attend class, go home, do homework/study. The generic lifestyle of a student is doubly worst when you're in college and the chances of you making friends during your lectures is quite slim. So how does one, especially those from a different city, get the opportunity to seek out companionship? ...Extracurricular options? Maybe that'll work, and yet sometimes it doesn't.
Then, when you think about it: how does one have a social life to liberate the stresses from the studies that entails being a student? Who do you have to go out with now, if you weren't able to make new friends in a city that you're new to? Where do you go then, if this is a place you haven't familiarized yourself with? All of these questions were and still are a constant issue for myself.
Sure, I've joined a few things here and there, made some new friends, and got to go out from time to time...but that feeling never fully dissipates. Is this what being homesick is like? For a lack of a more eloquent expression: it sucks ass.
Do you, or have you ever felt depressed because of college/moving to a new place to start a new life?
Saturday, 28 January 2012
I hate writing about things that are generic, but since this topic hits close to home and the presidential election is approaching in the States, I thought I should address it. I'll do a crash-course justification for gay marriage and move on as it's deduced that most Tea-Baggers who want to deny the rights of others are imbeciles on a whole new level.
Why do people not want to legalize gay?
B) It's not 'natural' because you can't reproduce
C) Traditionally, marriage should be between a man and a woman
What are my thoughts on all this?
A) The bible is like a fiddle, you can play whatever tune you want with it. Wait, "thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself"? So, where's the love?
B) Hundreds upon thousands of species of animals in the animal kingdom practice homosexuality; but only one has a problem with it. Take a stab at which?
C) Traditionally, women were supposed to be domesticated and kept at home. Traditionally, high heels and make-up was worn by men. Traditionally, you lived in caves and started fires with sticks and stones. I think you get the point about traditions.
What's your thoughts on gay marriage?
Saturday, 07 January 2012
I often find myself reading and hearing a lot about how people are unable to find 'the one' or that they've gone on too many dates with no prospective candidate, or a girl that's constantly falling for any guy that shows a little interest in her and jumping into a relationship with them. To all of them; I say get over it and stay single.
Nowadays, it seems everyone wants to feel loved, and to also love someone in return. The insatiable desire to be someone's significant other has somehow magnified tenfolds in the recent generation. Like the original 151 Pokemons that grew up with me, independence was a constant, sombre reminder. We weren't getting girl/boyfriends at the age of 11, or losing our virginities and having sex at the tender age of 14. No, we were staying late out after school to go on the playground to play Grounders or Tag. We weren't sitting in front of a computer, browsing through Tumblr and being bombarded with beautiful couples together, and a slew of sappy love quotes. We never desired to find someone to be with so that we could feel 'whole' because you know what; WE ARE WHOLE.
I've been in numerous conversations with people who constantly say they want to find someone; that they want to feel loved. It didn't matter who this person may be, just so long as they were able to call someone their girl/boyfriend. That they can hold hands while walking together. And you know what's sad? That they just can't be happy with themselves.
The only, and most important relationship you'll ever develop and have to sustain; isn't one with your spouse or even your family - it's with yourself. If you don't love yourself enough, and you can't find 'happiness' or even feel 'deprived' when you're single...then I think it's time to reconsider and ask yourself the hard questions. I'm no psychologist, but there seems to be an internal problem where the self-esteem and self-reliance mentality isn't as healthy as it could be.
I'm not going to lie, I'm an 18 year old (flaming) homo who hasn't ever had a boyfriend. Do I hope for one? Yes, but I'll wait patiently until my path in life converges with someone compatible. Unless of course, they look like Jake Gyllenhaal, in which case I'm going to bulldoze my way into their life. But in all seriousness, I think it's time to really reflect on yourself and think about the deep-rooted desires that could lead to many unnecessary heartbreaks and tears. Cause in the end, how do you expect someone to love you if you can't love yourself?
Do you feel like everyone's getting together so they can feel "whole"? Is the media playing a role in maturing and forcing people to 'fall in love' when they naturally wouldn't have had the aspirations to?
Saturday, 03 December 2011
Recently I received a message from a guy (Evan) I like, on Facebook along the lines of this:
"Everything is okay; sorry if I made you worry. To put it bluntly I don't think I can talk with you anymore. It was nothing you did. Sorry."
Now, here's the context that was leading up to how this happened. I go to this weekly meeting on Tuesdays at my university, and after these meetings we'd go for coffee. So one conversation we had revolved around plans for the Remembrance Day long weekend.
I told him, "I'll be going back to BC and having dinner with my friends, having the 'talk' following coming out to my parents, and meeting up with a guy to have dinner."
He then proceeded to ask, "Are you going to tell me more?" To which I replied, "About which one?"
You know what he asked?? "The last one." Yes, he asked about my little meet-up! Now, I didn't want to overanalyze it, but most of my friends have concluded that if you're actually interested in someone, you'd want to know more about any 'dates' they may be going to. So, isn't it possible that he was interested in me?!
The long weekend passed, and I never saw the guy I was supposed to have dinner with (Sam from my previous post). So the following week I went to the meeting, and had a scarf that I bought for him. However, halfway through the meeting, Evan just got up and left without saying anything. I thought maybe something happened and he needed to leave, so I didn't follow suite and just messaged him a couple nights later (Thursday) wondering if we could go and grab a drink or something (to see if he'd like to chat about what happened in person). I got no reply.
The next week came, and I didn't see him at the meeting. So obviously I was worried and decided to message him again wondering if everything was okay. The next night (Wednesday) was when I received the message above. I wasn't sure how to react, so I didn't reply because he's made it clear he didn't want to talk to me.
Instead, I wrote a letter thanking him for having been in my life and for being my friend, and then confessing and telling him I liked him. Then I placed it with the scarf I'd bought for him and asked someone to give it to him. It's been quite a bit of time since he received the package, and I've yet to hear back.
What should I do? I'm sincerely worried about him and also want to find out why he's decided to sever our friendship altogether. Please help!
Saturday, 19 November 2011
Sometimes transcribing your thoughts and motives help organize the torrential storm you’re caught in when love strikes. I guess I can only use this safe haven of anonymity as my means of accomplishing such a thing.
The first time I’d caught Evan’s eyes, I knew he was physically attractive to me. You know how it’s the physicality that initially gravitates you toward an individual, and the personality that keeps you within their orbit? Yeah, that’s what happened.
Our first meeting and subsequent conversation could have been categorized as quiet, strange, and very much awkward. I didn’t know why he would talk to me, of all people. I guess it was cause I was alone the whole time, and easy to make conversation with, without interrupting someone. Regardless of the reasons behind it; I’m grateful he did.
After each week that we saw each other, I’d noticed a spark was set aflame. The question was: did I really like him for him, or was it the prospect of a relationship? Was I so intoxicated by the idea of having a boyfriend, that it didn’t matter who it was?
To answer that question, I would have to direct this story to another individual who’d entered my life, this time via the internet. It started with a short message, of how the things I blogged about were interesting - how we had similar opinions. Conversations with Sam was fluid and flowed through endlessly. I could confide in him; I could tell him all the obstacles I was encountering in college and coming out to my parents. He would comfort me to no ends. He ultimately became my life raft, the buoyancy that kept my head above the suffocation of stress. Then I saw Sam, at least, photos of him. He’s tall, blonde, talented, and everything that would be considered physically attractive. So why didn’t it work? The personality was everything I’d asked for, his physical attraction was strong, and most importantly, he liked me.
But why didn’t I feel the same? I’d been so blinded by my own infatuations with Evan that I never considered Sam’s interest in me until it was too late. I couldn’t concurrently stop myself from falling for Evan, and continue leading Sam on. My love life essentially came crumbling down; I set free the one person who I was certain liked me, and pursued another that probably would never return those feelings. Karma’s a bitch, right?
Essentially, at this point in time, I’m certain that I like Evan. Premature to say? I don’t think so. I’ve been tested with the opportunity to find happiness through a mutual relationship. But I’d turned it down because I couldn’t force love. Guess it’s the same with Evan; I can’t synthesize him liking me anymore than Sam could with me.
Having an unrequited crush sucks.
Saturday, 29 October 2011
Wednesday, 26 October 2011
So after almost two months of being in college, I thought I would share some of the tips and tricks (and pitfalls) that concerns freshmen through my own experiences in post-secondary education. So, let's begin!
10. The same input of work for high school does NOT yield similar output for college
This means the time you spend studying, doing homework, and other such activities. In high school, everything was simplified, easy, and quite frankly, VERY different from what college actually is about. You cannot expect to study for an hour the night before a midterm and expect to ace it the same way high school was. The slap of reality took me completely by surprise and I will admit, I've failed half of the midterms I took because I didn't study enough, and didn't get help. Which leads onto my next point...
9. If you need help, get help
This is generally something I also haven't done much of. I'm a shy person, so when I approach someone for help, I'm always scared shitless. However, it's important to realize that if you don't understand a concept, it's paramount you get that fixed immediately. Universities don't slow down and babysit you to make sure you understand something. They go at their pace, and YOU have to follow them. Also, many professors actually have office hours where students don't even go, so they just sit there helping no one. Use that resource!
8. If you're living away from home, call/contact your family and friends often
This is probably something many of you already do, but it's definitely a nice way to feel support and love. I know how it feels moving to a completely different city (and province!) and starting from scratch on not only meeting people, but familiarizing yourself with the environment. Being so alienated...having people to fall back on is a great relief. So next time you're on the computer, why not strike up an instant messenger conversation or call up mom and dad?
7. Stock up on pre-prepared food
This one is particularly important to me. Often enough, I will come home from classes and be too tired to cook. So what's the solution? MICROWAVABLE FOOD! They are quick, easy and possibly most convenient for students who just feel like there aren't enough hours in the day. However, try to keep a balance. These foods do end up having either too many preservatives, or high sodium content. Make sure you don't gain that dreaded freshman 15 (unless you want to)!
6. Join clubs, groups, sports teams and volunteer to meet people
Not only are you pushing yourself to become more confident and sociable (both qualities I severely lack), but you're also networking! Many times, you'll be able to meet amazing individuals who not only share common interests with you, but can help you land a nice job through their connections. Remember, you can never have too large of a network and develop too many connections that benefit you greatly in the future!
5. Work hard, play harder
Sure, trying to get that 4.0 GPA might be the only thing your parents (or possibly yourself) would want accomplished, but you should never forget that this is the COLLEGE LIFE! You're at the final stage of your education, where you have the last chance for irresponsible (okay, not really, but you get what I mean) fun and just enjoy life. You're only young once, and it's definitely important to keep a balance between studies and having fun. You're like an elastic band - stretched too much and it will break. Find that happy medium.
4. Review the materials you learned that day before you sleep
It's been scientifically proven that, a) if you review for a short period of time, the material you learned has better retention and ability to be recalled when you need it, and b) if you study an hour before you sleep, you are more capable of storing this information from your temporary, short-term memory to your long-term memory. So, instead of cram sessions near your midterms/finals, do it bit by bit everyday!
3. Explore your options and try out new courses that may or may not be required for your degree
This was something that was recommended for me by other Xangans; to try out different courses that interests you. Yes, college is expensive and derailing yourself from your degree by taking unnecessary courses may not be possible for everyone, but think of it like this. By indulging in your own interests, you're able to find out what really sparks a passion for yourself, and live a life doing something you LOVE. It's a lot better than never having found out what screams to you and living and working in an occupation you either loathe or just isn't as affectionate about.
2. Plan ahead
This involves planning on many different levels, like, what courses do you need for your major/minor? When are you going to fit in precious studying time vs. free, relaxing time? Is an assignment due soon? All of these things can impact your overall university experience. You should keep an agenda handy while you keep your time and 'to-do list' organized. Obviously we're not talking about detailing every little thing that will occur in chronological order, but you should know what to be looking forward to, and what needs to be completed. That way, things won't catch you by surprise and you'll be better prepared to succeed.
1. Attend class
I think this one should speak for itself, but it's amazing how many people DON'T REALIZE THIS. By attending class, you're able to absorb material that's presented in a multimedia fashion. Let's be honest, we really don't like reading through 500+ pages of textbooks that are in words too lengthy and boring to be of interest. This is where your professors come in - they present a more concise and equally effective means of absorbing information for you. However, don't forget to read the textbook for more explanations and things that might not have been covered in class, but is expected knowledge. Again, find the happy medium.
How was your first year in college? Was it a shock? Also, what other tips/difficulties did you encounter that could be helpful for college freshmen?
Thursday, 20 October 2011
So, recently, I came out to my brother and his girlfriend (who's kind of like a sister now). Now, because I'm living away from home due to my studies, I was only able to text the news to my brother. Just to inform you guys of what happened, here's the 'conversation' that ensued.
Me: Rick, I'm gay. I'm sorry I have to share this information with you via texting, but I didn't want to hide it anymore. Do you still love and support me regardless of this fact?
Rick: Kevin, I will support you regardless. I'm very, very proud that you are able to share this with me. I understand it must've been hard for you to press that 'send' button. If you need to talk about it, you can give me a call anytime. You'll always be my little brother, k? :)
After that, we kind of texted back and forth about this new revelation in my life (well, at least for him). And let me just stop for a bit and say "AWWWW!!" I mean, my brother and I aren't exactly the most expressive set of siblings. We rarely ever discuss sentimental things but you know, it was just amazing getting that reply and the level of depth (regardless of how short the message was) of understanding and overall positive emotions.
Anyways, I got around to mentioning to my brother about how I wanted to tell my parents this Saturday (Oct 22!). Now again, because I'm in a different province and traveling to/from home is a hassle, I knew there was no way I could tell them in person. I have a flight scheduled to return home in December for vacation, but I felt like it was too far away. So instead, I proposed the idea of FaceTime-ing with them (basically video messaging). I also requested my brother and his girlfriend to be present while I revealed this side of myself.
I honestly don't know how it's going to proceed, because we ARE video messaging and not in person, so I can't fully gauge their acceptance of my sexuality. However, I can only take the leap of faith that my parents will be understanding. Additionally, my parents are pretty traditional in respect to their view points...
Regardless, I had an epiphany that I needed to reveal this fact about myself to my family. I just couldn't lie through my teeth anymore. It just feels right and I'm becoming more and more comfortable with this side of myself.
Well, stick around for this two-part story of my coming out! :)
Tuesday, 18 October 2011
Recently, I've noticed many comments regarding posts on Lovelyish that said how certain beauty distinctions were all because the subject wanted to look Caucasian (e.g. Ulzzang and skin-lightening products). Now, growing up in Canada all my life, I can certainly testify why I feel the definition of beauty for many people would be having blond hair, blue eyes and a fair complexion. However, it's really not true all the time and there is a diversity of what is perceived as beauty.
Taking into account the subject of Ulzzang - where the eyes of the women are large, and their noses are relatively thin/small. Some would argue that they're trying to create a 'Caucasian' look, by means of circle lenses and make-up. However, it's also very possible that they're trying to make a realistic replica of anime/manga characters. In many Asian countries, the anime/manga culture is highly developed and a popular means of entertainment (as opposed to say, Jersey Shore and MTV here in North America). Some characteristics of these characters include: large eyes, small (even nonexistent) noses, light complexions (most manga are not in colour, so they end up just being white cause of the paper), and a very thin face shape. See anything similar yet?
Now, onto the subject of lighter skin. Just as a side note, many Asian women back in the 'olden days' equated having lighter skin as a form of being rich and not being required to work outside. Those who had to work in rice fields or such occupations would result in having a more tanned skin tone. This is paralleled to the Victorian era, where many Caucasian people sought for very pale complexions as well as a sign of belonging in the upper class. So, history does repeat itself. In the same way, many women nowadays see that having a lighter complexion being much more desired. It's just how people were brought up. Additionally, my mom has also said that when she has lighter skin, her face seems to 'glow' and look more 'youthful'. So, it could very possibly be that women want to achieve brighter complexions via skin-lightening treatments.
Obviously, it's possible my own opinions of these beauty trends are skewed, or maybe not. Regardless, I think beauty should be celebrated in all its different forms and that people of all skin colours are gorgeous in their way.
What's your opinion on the the standard of beauty we see plastered in the media from predominantly Caucasian people? Do you think it has a bearing on how people from other racial backgrounds view themselves?
Monday, 17 October 2011
Instead of focusing on one thing and writing a ton about the topic, I decided I would just do random rambling with this new type of "posting" format. It's going to be informal, crude, and quite honestly - very, very gay. No, I'm kidding. I'm actually not all that flamboyant. But anyways, let's begin.
So, tomorrow I only have 2 lectures since my physics labs are post-poned until next week. This means I have class from 11-12, and then 3-4. Which is totally awesome! I love it when I have short days cause it gives me plenty of time to procrastinate and slowly do my homework. I mean, I only took 4 classes this semester so it's nice to have a not-so-heavy workload, but I definitely still feel stressed and pressed for time. Oh, did I mention tomorrow (Tuesday) is when I'll be seeing 'Ed'? Well, that's if he doesn't play hooky again. Meh, whatever.
Seriously though, it's sort of a turn-off to have someone not talk to you for weeks on end? I mean, I haven't see the guy since 2 weeks ago, and we haven't chatted much besides me asking if he's going to be at the meeting last Tuesday. Which he replied with no. You're busy studying and doing important stuff - okay, I get it. But honestly, how is he that busy? Let's analyze this: I've got several friends who are also taking 5 courses. What he took is like; 2 English, 1 Chem, 1 Bio, and 1 Stats class. Some of my friends are taking Eng, Chem, Bio, Psycho, and Calc, but we have plenty of time to go clubbing on the weekends. So doesn't this guy have the decency to...I don't know, FACEBOOK MESSAGE ME AT THE VERY LEAST MORE OFTEN? Come on!
Sigh, whatever. So over it. Honestly though, I THOUGHT he might be interested. Cause yenno, he DID smile quite often and even leaned closer towards the table (and subsequently, me). Meh, probably was over-thinking it. Anyways.
So, like I've changed up my timetable for the winter semester cause I was so discouraged by physics this term...So now I'm taking Chem, Stats, Eng, Bio, and an Earth sciences course. Don't know how that's going to go down, but I hope it's good!
OMG. I should also mention, I'm completely ANNOYED by people who slurp or make noises when they eat. I made curry last night, and we had rice as a supplementary. So my suite mate (kind of like a room mate, but we get our own rooms since we live in a basement suite), kept slurping his food. Honestly, it's an irrational pet peeve of mine. Completely random fact, but I don't think I would ever be with someone who slurps their food though. I just can't.
Well, there's my life so far. Anything turn up in your life? Do share, I like reading comments :)
Thursday, 13 October 2011
Now, I'm not going to be melodramatic and rant on about how my life is over, but you know, it's kind of at a stand-still where I personally think my life IS over. You see, I had initially attended the university that I'm at now, hoping to become a dentist. That goal (or rather, very distant dream) is just not meant for me it seems. Recently, I've begun to question more and more of my own capabilities and desires.
Did I wanted to become a dentist because I was passionate about it? Or was the money behind it what really motivated me? To a certain degree, I did think the income was largely comforting to have. But I also am very passionate about helping people. I love to see people smile. I love to see, after a large amount of time is spent on a task, the fruition that is a person's enjoyment of your hard work. That was my ultimate motivation to be in the health field - specifically as a dentist.
The courses I'm taking, whether it's because I've just been too unprepared for, or have utterly no aspirations to continue, has resulted in me acquiring horrible marks. I guess I have to admit - I just didn't really try hard enough. To a lesser extent, I really do miss my family and friends. I miss my home. Does this mentality have anything to do with my lack of interest, or am I just following in a path that's just not cut out for me?
Personally, I like to think of myself as an artist. I'm one of those people who love the arts - music, dance, cultures, languages, and art in general. Complimented by many people, I also apparently have an affinity to creating things. I'm capable of drawing, graphic design, and using my creativity to ultimately think outside the box. Sort of.
Well, I'm at a fork in the road, and have no idea how to approach this. Do you have any tips or suggestions for me? Should I follow my talents down a path that may not be economically stable, but interesting? Or fight for an improbable future of medical practice?
Friday, 07 October 2011
I will, from this day forth, refuse to induce any relationship through my interference. I will let the chips fall where they may be.
What happened since the last part: On Sunday night, I emailed Ed and asked if he'd like to go sidewalk chalking with me (it's for a volunteering thing I'm doing, and you can bring friends along to do it). I got absolutely no reply.
Then, on Tuesday, I didn't see him at the weekly meeting. He also wasn't there for the after-meeting-coffee-get-together.
Fast forward to Friday, and I've yet to hear from him too.
PLENTY OF BETTER TRESS IN THE FOREST. I WILL BE STRONGER!
Anyone know some cute/gorgeous/hot gay guys they could introduce me to? I'll be so grateful :D